Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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