He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
