I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
