my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
