Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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