The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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