I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
