if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
