Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He better not be in your backpack
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
