well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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