I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
