I wish I could teleport
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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