she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
