Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
