Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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