3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
