how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
