Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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