you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
