so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
