My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
