So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
