Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Someone signed my nipple.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
