I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You ruined the universe
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
