Sry I called you an 8
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Pants are for mortals
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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