if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
