just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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