I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just want to make out with him forever
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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