I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
