i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
pop tarts are not kleenex
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
