you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
