wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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