i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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