dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
