Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
