went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
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Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
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I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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