I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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