We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
