OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
