Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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