Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
