Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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