We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
