I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
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