i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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