Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
