apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
