I'm going to jail i love you
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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