4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
