okay pat passed out under dana's car
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
