Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
