No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
